Treating Her Right

Two guys who are bored, stand on a crowded street.

Guy in the know (GITK)
Guy Clueless (GC)

GC: Look at that! A hot piece if I ever saw one.

GITK: Yeah!, She almost shines like the sun!

GC: I wish I had her. I just can't afford her.

GITK: You could. You just need to know how to treat her right.

GC: Yeah, like you'd know.

GITK:It so happens I do.

GC: What? Tell me!

GITK: They are very sensitive. And respond to the slightest touch.

GC: Respond?

GITK: Yeah, they make the softest sound. Moaning almost.

GC: Really? So I can go on banging her and hammering her?

GITK: What? No way! She's no toy! Just pick on her ,but not too much.

GC: Why not too much?

GITK: One day she'll just snap and you'll really get hurt. Thats why.

GC: Oh Ok. Tell me more.

GITK: Well, be very careful about the G-String. Its pretty thin and difficult to reach.

GC: Well, I can just pluck at it, right?

GITK: Yes, she'll really make a sound then.

GC: Nice!

GITK: See you just try it and see the sound she makes. The better the sound, the better you treat her. Its just that simple.

GC: And how exactly would I do that?

GITK: There are books all over the internet. And online tutorials.

GC: They have tutorials for this stuff?

GITK: Of course, many of them use it!

GC: So basically I have to finger her right.

GITK: Yeah, its all in the fingering. You may get tired of it. Even bored. But the sounds she makes would give you sheer pleasure.

GC: What if I get bored of her?

GITK: You could go for another, but you got to start all over again getting your finger in the right spot.

GC: Yeah, but I guess I could never stick to one. What do I do if I get bored of this one?

GITK: Get an electric one. Don't forget the amp.


I have started practicing guitar everyday now. I can play The Phantom of the Opera (To scare him off), The Sounds of Silence (To appreciate when I'm not playing) and even Jingle Bells (To make him fall off the roof).

This post is an inspiration from a friend who literally loves the guitar. I think he'll marry one and they'll have many,many violins together.

My Girlfriend was against my putting this up saying I have a perverted sense of humor.
Oh Well.

1985 - Unlikely Diet

1993 - Unfair Unfair

'Ass' you like it

There are multiple roles that one can play at the work place. (Or work at the play place).

Now while at the IT industry, these roles are more familiar to me I find that there are a few more roles that are seen but never spoken about.
These are the kind that apply to any kind of work place.

ROLES:

SMART Ass

This is one of those famous roles played by most freshers who think they know too much. They probably do but being humble about it isn't one of their strengths. Speaking out of line is also one of very popular qualities of this role.

You sit and watch your senior working. He says you don't eat properly. He compares you to a stick figure in a activity diagram. Now, instead of staying quiet and smiling, a SMART ASS would typically add to it by saying, I can swim too! (Ref. swim lanes in activity diagram).
Sorry about the IT humour. I'll try to keep it general.

WISE Ass

Another famous role in the workplace. This type never takes work seriously. Its all a joke to him. He would get the job done, but he'd make wise cracks about it.
On the other hand,
This type of person is fun to have around and would make the place more lively and not to mention entertaining. Provided you don't work with your 'NO NONSENSE' boss in the next room. You could probably make other people stop working too.

LAZY Ass

This type needs no introduction. He just sits on his ass all day not getting anything done. Sort of like a politician. Not only does he reduce productivity. He also complains all day about his job, work and even a fly in his soup. These kind of people could however work smart if not hard.
Staring at the computer screen, sleeping with eyes open like a fish is a very good example.

KISS Ass

Another Role that needs no introduction. This type of person plays doormat,floor mat and shoe lick to everyone in the office. Probably gets places too. Self-Respect isn't in the dictionary sometimes.

DUMB Ass

Almost found in every work place. Just when you expect a serious and sensible answer, this guy chooses to speak! A typical slap your forehead (and his) type of moment ensues.
20 % of all project teams, as I've recently discovered, comprise these rare people.

KICK Ass

The Exact opposite of Dumb Ass. These people ARE the no nonsense people we talked about. They will ensure they get the job done, kick you for lying around and definitely slap you on the back of your head. Believe me, I know. They do that.

So now we have covered all the possible roles at the work place. If you know any more please share..
This post may have been a Pain-in-the-ass I'm sure you'll see that there is a lot of truth here.
After a very stringent analysis, I find that I'm 50% Wise Ass,30% Smart Ass and 20% Dumb Ass.
I'm so proud. (Tear in eye.)

Tamagotchi Theory

Our Hero has been part of a lover's spat. (As in, a lover almost spit on him).

Now while our Hero tries his best to appease her, he couldn't help come up with a new theory.
He loves making theories (that make no sense) and after the older one, he just couldn't help himself.
So he comes up with an all new one.
Now while there seems no reason why this would even relate to a tiff, our Hero seems hellbent on explaining this.

Our Hero assumes here that everyone here knows what a Tamagotchi is and has had one in their childhood,or even now. (Our Hero isn't judging).

If you are not in the know.

Our Hero found out that love is very similar to a growing tamagotchi. (He further refers to this lover as a tamagotchi)
You have no nurture it, feed it and care for it and at other times play with it or just clean up the shit.

The latter is why the theory even came into being.
While playing around could please the tamagotchi ,it could also spell doom. (Thats when you'll need to clean up the shit).

Premise to theory

Tamagotchi sad. You feed it. Tamagotchi Happy.
Tamagotchi sad. You play with it. Tamagotchi Happy.
Tamagotchi sad AGAIN. You feed /play with it 3-4 times. Tamagotchi STILL sad.
Tamagotchi dies.
RESET button pushed.

Lover sad. Kissey kissey message. Lover happy.
Lover VERY sad. 3-4 kissey kissey message. Lover still sad.
RESET button pushed.

Theory

No matter how well you treat your tamagotchi (Your love), it will still die. Till it is reset. And killed again.

Outcome of theory

DISEASE:
Multiple kissey kissey messages, never work on a very angry lover.
(Immunity gained).

CURE:
Narration of Tamagotchi Theory (translated into over 45 languages) to the affected lover. (Sanity Lost)

Some things that can be assumed about the theory and its Creator:

1.) Our Hero is fantastic.
2.) The theory is fantastic.
3.) Our Hero isn't one of the lovers.
4.) The lovers definitely don't love our Hero.
5a.) The theory deeply moved the lovers. They made up.
5b.) They realized no tiff was worth hearing this.
6.) They took a united stand. (Against the Hero).
7.) Its better to have had a tamagotchi and lost it than never have a tamagotchi at all.
8.) Our Hero gets spit on after all.

A Hole in One

No, this isn't about golf.
Except for the fact that a little 'birdie' told my parents that I wanted to get my ears pierced.
She's gonna get hurt real bad. (Russel Peters Influence).

Now, now don't get all shocked and all.
I don't want to transition to the other side.
As the title says, just one of them. The right one.

When I say right I actually mean the left. You see the left is right and the right wrong. The right ear holds many a meaning, as I've learned recently.
The ear could be responsible for balance, never heard it was responsible for orientation too.

So now I have decided to get the only ear 'left' pierced. (I gotta stop this don't I?)
I had almost got a sanction from the higher authorities with very exquisite reasoning being,

Why Can't I?

Now I tell my parents that there is nothing wrong with getting an ear pierced. And while mom was OK with it initially and sis backed me up,dad vetoed it!
And like a nice coalition party the other two turned on me.

Dad's Reasoning:

He doesn't like it. And it would hurt him.

Yes, very valid, I might add. I definitely wouldn't want to hurt him. But the reasoning is, however, without argument. So I reiterate my request, saying I have no other bad habits that he could speak of and there was nothing wrong with this.
I cross reason, with him saying that while a nose-ring on a girl really turns me off, it would ultimately be the girl's wish and there was nothing wrong with it.
He asks me not to get a nose-ring either.

Mom's Reasoning:

Ask your father.

Yeah, Right. She further adds, "Nee ekreme nariyave kadhe kuthere".(Tamil Pun)
Hmph.

Sister's Reasoning:

You'd look like a punk.

Yes, yes everyone guy's dream goal. I don't know she went to the other extreme, cause I definitely wasn't planning on a Mohawk.
Yet.

It wasn't like I wanted heavy pieces of metal hanging from cartilage. It was going to be a simple 'kadhkan'.
I found that it was done by iyer boys in the early days, why not maintain some tradition? :D

So I'm in a dilemma.
Not whether I want to do it, but whether its only my family that feels this way.
I would like some feedback on your thoughts and maybe you could change my mind about it before next week.
My dad would probably come to kill me,if I went through with it.
It would take him 27 hours to come down to India,
and in that time,
Something's gonna get punctured real bad.
(And I dont mean my pride.I really have to stop watching Russell Peters).

NOTE:

I would exercise urgency,
I am very upset. They have asked me to work this weekend. I had a nice trip planned. With friends, to Goa and Mangalore. I had to cancel.
Believe me, I'm very upset. I could cut a hole in anything right about now.

Ma, I'm Home!

THEN:

Finally, I'm Home.
After a long time I see my folks. I guess I last saw my mom and sis two months ago. (They were in the gulf).
Its always nice to be home. Especially, after the Bangalore traffic and long working hours.(Yes, I practically stay at office now).

I was home in Coimbatore, last month. Yes, an empty house. With no one to receive me.
Except maybe some roaches who thought they found a new home.
I ain't a good landlord. They were out on the streets very soon.

I sit here writing this, with a borrowed laptop, just to share my joy!
Its perfect.
Mom keeps running around trying to keep her ONLY son satisfied.
Now I had to only suggest,I'd want something and she'd be running around like a highly paid bell boy.
Sorry, for the poor comparison, mom. You know I'd never use a bell.

Thats how it always was. I'd have my favorite food for lunch,dinner and those extra midnight snacks your mom knows you love. A fully-stocked fridge. (Yes, direction to a man's heart is usually through his stomach or the plumbing is all wrong).

All this makes you feel like you're a long lost son returning from a war, they never thought they'd see you again.
Fort Minor's 'Where'd you go?' would set the right tone/mood for this post now.

Much to my sister's displeasure, I sat there like a pampered king. I din even have to get up off bed for breakfast.
Ah, good times.


NOW:

I enter home, to a more-formality type of hug, from mom.
Attendance at sis room has been given.
Marked absent.
I usually sleep for 3-4 hours after I'm back. So I hit the sack.

I lie on the comfortable bed and almost doze off when I hear...

"You'll have to pick Sruti up from her friend's house. Then go to the bank to sort out the account problem, after that you have to get me some groceries and then go have my computer fixed."

"But Ma, I'm dead tired."

I tried to tell her I had bus lag.

"Parava ille (No Problem), sleep for 10 minutes, have a bath and then leave."

I get up,have a bath, sit down for breakfast. A feast I might add.

Sruti sits at the kitchen, pouring me a glass of juice saying "You should have seen the look on your face."

The Fridge is fully stocked. Mom is already picking up after me.
The Prince has indeed returned.

Home IS where the heart is.
No matter how much I pretend I don't miss it.

Ode on a Gracious Urn

I remember a time, when there was a long holiday and my parents just couldn't stand me at home.
They had decided, that summer camp was the only reprieve to my shenanigans.
I was put into a camp that included fencing,swimming and others (Any which ensured I came back like a dead log,Ya, my parents laughed about it).
Among these was pottery.
Now, like most guys,I'm short on patience.
And as I found out, pottery required it, that and very deft hands.

Now while this class did not include any of the fun stuff like the actual baking or the burning-to-cinders of flint, I did learn theoretically, about pots-
Earthenware,stoneware and porcelain and how they differed when baked at different temperatures.
I even listened, but never registered facts about how much feldspar and flint content was used in clay and controlled baking.

Well before I ramble on about this unnecessary information let me get on with my story.

I sat in front of my pot. Clueless.
I looked at the potters wheel. The lump of clay that sat on it, my leg on the pedal that controlled the electric motor and still never flinched.

"Son, are you not interested in making pots?"

The instructor, had made his way over to me.
How he found me hiding I didn't know.

"Well Sir, I dont know how to begin."

He then proceeded to explain opening, flooring, pulling and turning.
All this while his hands moved, like under a spell, carefully constructing a simple pot.
Seemed so easy.

He must have done this for years. He must have been real 'urn'est (Sorry, couldn't help myself).

He placed another lump. And asked me to get started.
Then he whispered in my ears.
"Son, you seem to have potential to do great things. Let me teach you separately. Go to the front and take my wheel there. I will teach you first hand."

I knew there was a catch for his interest in me.
He spent the day explaining the various shapes that make up the pot.

"You know Vivek, every pot tells a story. Based on every shape you use to create your transition."
There's a lot of stuff to know about pots. I'll just skip through it and bank that you'd read up on it later anyway.

The Cylinder
"If you use this shape in your pot. It shows a continuity. The readiness to express linear thought."

The Disc
"This shows that you believe in a solid foundation and believe in forming a basis before proceeding in life"

The Sphere
"Using this signifies, belief in looking at the whole picture, in a wholeness in any situation."


I still looked at him like he was off his rocker.

"And the perfect poetry that is created when you combine these shapes in a perfect combination, defines who you really truly are. Your thoughts are manifested in your pot. Your future, your past is written right here. "

He said this pointing at the lump of clay on the wheel.

Did he just say my name was mud?

He started up the wheel for me. And moved my hands for me. Carefully doing the flooring and the opening.
With time I could do it by myself.

According to him, I could forge whole epics right about now.

Well now that I had my skills and the backing of a total lunatic. I could feel a new found strength.
I decided to make an ultimate urn. With a very complex transition.

I should have started with a basic mattka but no, I was Michelangelo now, wasn't I?

I started and my excitement seemed to push the pedal harder, hence turning the wheel harder hence forcing my molding faster. I had to keep up now. Couldn't get my feet to stop too.

Creation of genius had begun.

Unfortunately, I lost control. The clay flew off the wheel and splattered many a face.

He came up to me.

"Vivek, remember I told you every pot makes a story? Don't worry, yours says one too."

I looked relieved. He's a swell guy ain't he?

"Does it show, I am a wild stallion and in life and could never be suppressed or controlled. I had to be unleashed?"

"No, no you just suck at making pots."

Thats why I had to stop reading too much John Keats, (who's poem title I've tweaked).

If Beauty is truth and truth, beauty; My pot showed only truth.
Hmph.

Uncommon Form of Cricket

It is a something you'll never see in a cricket match.
At least ones that are televised.

It is the 'Common' Cricket.

Now those of you who are frequent players of this game, will find this terminology used many a time in the field. Never in big time cricket, oh no, this is one of those rare forms of cricket, even littler than the little league.
Now you may think that 20-20 was the last straw, but believe me. This form of cricket exists.
It is played all over the world. People play it and still not know they're playing it!
This form has been popular since its inception in the early...Um...ok wait thats beside the point.

Anyway, before I begin, let me say that I am the first to document(yes, this very post) and describe fully this form of cricket. And if it does come to exist in modern day international,televised cricket;I have a 80% stake in the profits.

In need of proper nomenclature, I dub this form of cricket - Uncommon Cricket International or UCI (Well, if there's ODI...).
Yes, very imaginative, I know.

Description

Now before you start road-rolling me with questions on Power plays and the D-L system, let me tell you that the game follows the same rules as that of modern day cricket. The only difference is the addition of a player to the teams. Yes, One player for both teams.
This is the rarest player in a cricket team.
We call him the 'Common'.
He is also known by many other interesting names such as the Extra, the Joker, etc.

Conditions Required to play this form of Cricket

Now as I've stated earlier, there are certain conditions required to play this game.

1.) There HAS to be odd number of players.
2.) Number of overs planned such that the 'Common' makes no difference to the teams.
3.) The Common should not be biased. Though this occurs, due to bribery and cute girls, we have handled it by adding a fool-proof method of selection.

Selection of the Common

Now, while this form of cricket is fun, the selection automatically happens.

1.) The last person standing after team selection.
2.) The least athletic person in the group.
3.) The ONLY person who's presence in the team makes no difference.
4.) The person who most resembles the 'Michellin Man' or the 'Pilsbury Dough Boy'.

Transitioning to 'Common' Cricket

Now it be difficult for certain people to branch out to this form of cricket. Let me tell you that it will be the most fun you've seen.
Sights like a wrecking ball running down the pitch, a blob of jelly floating in the outfield, as well the sights of fielding done will have you in tears (Tears of Joy or Sorrow depending on how seriously you take the game).

You will find this game a stunning entertainer and its only a matter of time before, it hits the big screens.

Watch out for it! Likely to blow the IPL Away!

Once again, since its I who has documented this popular sport and currently seeking patents for migration to other team sports, I will keep 50% of stakes and donate the rest to charity.
Shares of my company can be purchased online.
If however, for no fault of my own, people find this to be totally bogus,I deny all knowledge of such a company and this post is just a common observation by a random traveler.

1982 - Rabid Driver